PS:
by queengregory
Summary: 'It's okay, you don't have to love me.' That was the last sentence of the letter you wrote to me.


p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"'It's okay, you don't have to love me.' That was the last sentence of the letter you wrote to me./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"You slipped it into Art with Mr Collins. We were sitting next to each other, thighs barely touching. My hand skimmed your hand as you passed me the carving knife; my heartbeat increased with the feather-light touch./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"You; that's all I thought about. Is that obsessive? The fact I need you more than air, more than food, more than sleep. Your ash-blonde hair framing your face perfectly. Your eyes, deep pools of cerulean blue, bleeding into the sky-blue inner iris. Those eyes were like the perfect whisky. They got me drunk, made me forget my name. Your lips. They were formed much like those of a female. Soft. Lemonade pink. Irresistible and unforgiving./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"'His face, it must have been carved from marble.' I /"Michael? Are you alright?" Your gruff voice rang out, making me jump /"Yeah, just... Thinking." I muttered, flashing you a smile. You chuckled, hand slipping under the table to softly punch my leg./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"That was when you slipped me the note. On the front, it read 'Don't read until the 27th.' That was a week away... But sure. I nodded, mumbling 'alright.'/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"The day after that went as normal mostly. A fight at lunch, a lot of homework and the occasional yell of 'Idiot!' from the year 11's. You, however... You were different. Didn't speak to anyone, jumping whenever someone came behind you and just seeming upset. I did try to have a conversation with you but you didn't listen so I gave up./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"As I walked home at 3:15, I wondered. Did you ever think of me? My jet-black hair, untamable for anyone. My sky blue eyes, hard and guarded until I thought of you and everything I wanted us to be. My pale skin with thin lips and pudgy cheeks. Probably not. I'm nothing beautiful after all./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"The next few weeks, you were different and not in a good way. Cautious, introverted and the opposite of what you were usually like./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"Then came the 27th. First-period Maths, you looked at me and I looked back. I was planning on opening the letter at break in the library. Gabriel kept pestering me to open it earlier but I just swatted him away and told him to leave me /"Michael, what's the answer to the question I just asked?" Mr Sheppard asked, raising an eyebrow at me sarcastically. I just shrugged, not bothering to try answer; he'd see straight through me./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"After Maths, we had Music with Mr Pellegrino which was... uneventful. You and I didn't speak, didn't even look at each other as straight after Mr P told us to partner up, Dean grabbed my arm and suggested we work together. I just nodded, not wanting to argue; consequently, I ended up listening to Dean gushing about how Sam was in year 7 next year. I let him waffle on, running to the library as soon as Mr Pellegrino said we could./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"As I sit down on the soft loveseat in the corner, I slowly lay the letter down and breathe. I open it./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"'Dear Michael, I'm sorry. My dear, dear Michael... I can't call you that. You... aren't mine. You never will be. Why would you love someone like me? Broken like an old china doll, thrown out in a clean out of the attic of the world where all the misfits and different people are thrown out like old toys.' Now I was confused... You were perfect, you are perfect. 'I'm deaf. I lipread and you never seem to notice. That's why I never call you, why I never listen to voicemails. I'm sorry I've been lying to you all this time... I love you, Michael but that doesn't matter. With you obviously liking Anna, my father passing and the beating from my brothers... I can't do it anymore, Mikey. I'm sick of living, sick of feeling. I wish I didn't feel a damn thing. This is a wish that will be granted. I'm leaving, Mike. God, I'm gonna miss you. I'm sorry it has to end this way. I'm sorry. br /Forever yours, /PS: It's okay, you don't have to love me.'/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"I ran. Ran, ran, ran as fast as my legs would carry me to the one place I knew you could be. My feet hit the ground almost as fast as my heart pounded against my chest. Luci... I needed you. I loved you!/p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"I was on the roof and I saw you. Pale skin, standing on the wrong side of the barrier. Your back was to me however I could imagine the sorrow on your beautiful face./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;""Luci, what are you doing?" I shouted before the fact flashed through my mind. You couldn't hear me. I slowly crept up to you, ready to pull you back over. Lucifer... My Lucifer. My arms wrapped around your waist as I reached you. You struggled, trying to get out of my arms but I didn't let you go. Not until I felt the sharp stab of a pin. As I let you go, you fall./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"You fell like the real Lucifer. My mother was deeply religious and when she heard of her name, she warned me not to talk to you. It was ironic. Lucifer was an angel. A fallen angel but an angel none the less. My Lucifer, Lucifer Novak... You looked like an angel. Spoke like the devil. Sultry, passionate like you knew my deepest, darkest secrets and desires. When you were falling from that roof... You looked like an angel. That may sound sadistic but you looked beautiful. That didn't stop the gut wrenching sob that left my mouth as the one I had truly loved hit the floor, the sickening crack of your head on the concrete and the deafening silence reminding me I had failed./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"As I sneak out at 12:00 AM on June 27th, 2013, I shiver. The graveyard is only 20 minutes away yet it feels like years as my body is whipped by the freezing cold air of the night, even in summer, my steps and brain heavy with the cocktail of alcohol and anti-depressant state of calm I was always in. I knew I shouldn't have seen that therapist./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"I arrive at the graveyard at 12:30, the walk there involving me taking the long way round to avoid a creepy old man who looked me up and down like I was a warthog and he was a buffalo and with enough gentle coaxing he would have me as his own prey. 'Jamie All Over' by Mayday Parade blasted in my ears to drown out the dull ringing, probably from the music itself. Your grave is littered with flowers, Luci, isn't that nice? I'm looking at them as I write this. Filled with marigolds, they mean pain and grief. There are dark red roses. Mourning. Whatever. Your brother left them. He acts like he didn't push you to this. I hope the guilt kills him like it killed you. He says he's sorry but I don't want sorry, I want you and sorry won't bring you back./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"I lay down some mixed zinnia. They're meant to be in memory of an absent friend but in my mind, you were more than that, Luci. Red carnations try to portray how much I need you back. 5 sweetpeas and a forget-me-not are laying there now./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"I'm remembering your whisky eyes, Luci. Those soft, lemonade-pink lips which I want to press against my own, need to press against my own, pray to press against my own but will never get to press against my own. I'm sorry this is how it ended. I'm sorry I didn't show you how I felt; I'm sorry I failed you./p  
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; color: #2a2a2a;"I best be going. It's 1:30 AM and I'm wetting the page with my salty tears. Goodbye, for now, /Forever yours, Micha /PS: It's okay, I do love you, I always have, Lucifer Novak./p


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